Notice me, notice me, someone please notice me. Please validate my existence. Please compliment me when I do a good job. Please acknowledge if I’ve made a mistake. Yell at me. Hug me. Bug me. Just don’t ignore me. These thoughts rolled around in her mind as she walked down the street. Tears streaming down her face. She was on her break at 3:15pm in the afternoon from work. She just wanted it to end. She wanted it over. What was the point of feeling the pain anymore. “NO!” her boyfriend shouted on the other line as she cried to him on the other end, “Please just end it. Please let it be over. I don’t want to feel this way anymore.” She kept walking and knelt down on the cold concrete in tears and a van passed her and came to a sudden halt. Gray clouds passed over her on that blustery, autumn October day and rustled her curly, blonde hair and brown-colored shirt. A woman got out and asked her if she needed help or wanted a ride somewhere. It struck her that someone cared. A stranger cared enough to stop and see if she needed help.
If you’ve ever been touched by depression then you know what it can feel like. Depression can get to the point where you do want to end your life. Without help or any kind of medication regulation, depression really can get to that point. Sadness can be so strong, you can’t stop crying. The beautiful thing about a depressed person is that they won’t end their lives because they’re too depressed to do anything about it. However, a depressed and highly anxious person is someone to worry about. Anxiety and depression can breed panic attacks which are moments when you can’t stop crying or can’t breathe. Everyone is different.
Eight years later she spoke to her husband on the phone and said, “I can’t stand feeling this way anymore. I really want it over.” Her husband cried “NO!” on the other end of the line. She was on her lunch break from work and sitting in her car talking to her husband over using her Bluetooth connection in the car. She couldn’t fix anything. She couldn’t get her medications regulated. In the depression world they’re called “meds.” This time it felt like no one was helping. No one knew how to help except the doctor. Until then she just had to deal with it. Feeling alone and like you have no one to help you is the worst feeling ever. There’s no feeling worse than feeling alone and unnoticed.
Depression isn’t something that a person can help sometimes. And it can be hidden even in the peppiest of Facebook posts or the happiest-looking person. Watch for sadness. It can be all around and you may have missed it and never even noticed.
She knew depression wasn’t something to be ashamed of. It was a dance she knew well. It was like a flirty cha-cha that wouldn’t ever go away. It was always there tempting and tormenting her at the same time. Being alone all day at work with only the grunt of your boss with a hello in the morning. Being alone at the gym in the late afternoon. Seeing her spouse for a 1/2 hour at night before going to bed. It’s hard being alone.
Life is dealing with ups and downs. Emotions go up and down. Don’t end it. It’s better to live it. You just need to get through the downs to see the ups. It’s worth it even though it doesn’t feel like it at the time.
I’ve been there before. I suffered from depression when I was in high school. It got so bad that I found myself by my bedside with a dagger to my wrists. I was like those people. I just didn’t want it to continue. It hurt too much.
As I was kneeling there crying. I heard a voice. I remember it clearly today. He said, “No, I have something better for you.” There was power in the voice… something I cannot fully describe, but it stopped me. I realized that I wasn’t moving or crying anymore. I don’t even know if I was sad anymore. I was stunned more than anything else, but I did know the voice.
God saved my life that day.