I had one of those lightbulb-on moments at my recovery coaching session yesterday.
Here’s the conversation:
Sara: My husband said I put him in the middle of him and his family.
Recovery coach: No, you didn’t put him there. Your husband put himself there.
Sara: But my husband said I put him there.
Recovery coach: Your husband said that, but you didn’t actually put him in the middle of you and your in-laws. Your husband put himself in between you and his family.
Lights flashing. Sirens going off. Fireworks exploding in my head.
What???? I didn’t do what my husband said I did.
My recovery coach was right. Yet, the concept was one I really struggled to grasp because of what happened to me in my past.
I’m going to be on the lookout this week for blame that I have taken on as “being my fault” and try and determine if the event was my fault, or if I perceive it as being my fault.
When you’re told your bad and that you’re not enough or not good enough by your family of origin, for me that’s my grandmother, mother and father, then you tend to take those beliefs with you into your adult life. I remember many times where both of my parents told me I wasn’t good enough or that I was a disappointment to them because I didn’t live up to their expectations. What a terrible thing to do to a developing mind. They did it to me because their parents did it to them.
Alcoholism, with or without the substance, truly is a family disease. Alcoholism without substance abuse is called dysfunction in the ACA framework.
So, when my husband told me I put him in the middle of him and his siblings and parents, he believed that to be true. My coach had to drill this into me that it was not the truth. I didn’t do that. My husband put himself there.
What else am I carrying around from my past that I believe to be true that actually wasn’t my fault in reality? I’m going to notice and figure it out!